6 Questions to Spark Intimacy in Your Relationships

Next time you’re tempted to scroll through your phone instead of catching up with your partner after work, try one of these reflective queries—they just might spark a thoughtful conversation and, at the same time, bring you closer together.

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You and your partner finally carve out time to be alone together. You go on a date, take a weekend away together, or maybe just take 45 minutes to walk around the neighborhood. But then, as you enter into this precious time reserved for connection, you stare blankly at each other wondering, “Shouldn’t we have more to talk about?”

It’s a predicament experienced by couples at all stages: newlyweds, those who have lived together for years, those who have been together for decades.

So how can you reignite the spark of conversation? Here are six of our favorite questions to help bring you and your partner closer together.

6 Questions to Spark Intimacy and Conversation

1. What’s really going on with you?

This is an invitation to take your conversation one level deeper, an invitation for your partner to talk about their challenges, struggles, and victories you may not know about.

2. What’s something that you feel proud of?

Lost in the hectic flow of everyday life is the ability to talk about small but meaningful accomplishments at home, at work, or in family life. The benefit of asking this question is understanding. It helps you and your partner see each other’s contributions more clearly and witness your passion for the things you care most about.

3. What thought keeps looping in your head?

Most of us have at least one stressful thought swirling in our minds at all times. Expressing it to your partner, and listening to theirs, will not only bring you closer, it will also help you release the grip of these thoughts

4. What change have you noticed in yourself that I may not have noticed?

Here is an invitation for each of you to see more clearly some of the changes you may have missed in the midst of life’s chaos. Your “Dryuary” commitment to taking a break from alcohol. Their latest hobby. Life moves so fast that it’s easy to miss these changes. Sharing them brings you both up to speed and extends an invitation to help support each other in the changes.  

5. What’s something you say you want to do but you haven’t yet made happen in your life?

This question brings with it both a heightened understanding of each other and an opportunity to support each other in making a change in your life

6. What are the three things about our life together that you’re most grateful for?

The classic question of gratitude. The science on this is clear: Simply shifting your attention to a few things you’re grateful for is a simple way to experience well-being and happiness. Try it for yourself by asking this question. If you can turn this question into a regular habit, you may start to notice a shift in the tone of your conversations, from everyday stress and agitation to a more well-rounded outlook on your life together. 

Originally published on January 28, 2021.

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