Being a stand-up comic was one of my life’s fantasies. So when the owner of a chain of comedy clubs saw my one-woman show and invited me to perform at his venue, I was pretty excited. But as the date drew closer I became increasingly restless. “Why?” I screamed into my pillow. “Why did I decide to put myself out there?!”
Whether you are posting a profile on eHarmony, joining a local ping-pong club, or asking for a raise, moving into new territory takes bravery. This is especially true since there’s no certainty that your courageous act will bring you the approval of others or anything at all that you think you might want.
So what’s the appeal? Putting yourself out there can be the depth charge that breaks you out of harmful habits. The very habits you cling to that may seem like they are keeping you safe are actually just keeping you small. And as Nelson Mandela said, “There’s no passion to be found playing small—in settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living.”
Step back from your life and recall any moments you couldn’t imagine surviving. Yet you did survive, and maybe your daring even became a turning point for positive change in your life.
Step back from your life and recall any moments you couldn’t imagine surviving. Yet you did survive, and maybe your daring even became a turning point for positive change in your life.
Do yourself—and others— a favor
Dexter Manley has two Super Bowl rings. He played football in the NFL and faced the embarrassment of the world when he put himself out there and publicly admitted that he was illiterate. At 28, Manley became a role model for adult learning. By putting it out there, he changed the lives of many who, through his courage and success, saw possibilities for themselves. We have an immense power not just to change our own circumstances, but to inspire the people around us.
Putting yourself out there can be dramatic, but it doesn’t have to be. At its core, bravery just means allowing yourself to be vulnerable. I know a psychiatrist who is a very shy public speaker, incredibly reluctant, yet in demand. She told me the story of a recent speaking engagement of hers. Already feeling rocky because of a difficult situation in her family, and not very comfortable speaking in public at the best of times, she suddenly found herself paralyzed midsentence, unable to talk. At all. For several moments.
Do you notice that time never feels as long as those moments when awkwardness hangs in the air? After a not-so-delicious silence, she put herself out there and told the room about what was going on inside her. Many said that moment had the biggest impact of her whole talk. Who knew putting herself out there would include falling apart in public, and that acknowledging it might be the big takeaway for her audience?
Start small, go big
There are other ways that we can put ourselves out there that might not have the same adrenaline-triggering qualities, but can bring change anyhow, and strengthen our bravery muscle. We can simply say hello, or good morning, or take other small acts of daring kindness toward strangers. We can put ourselves out there by agreeing to chair a committee. We can put ourselves out there by letting people see us grieve or go gray. We can put ourselves out there by standing up or standing down for the greater good.
According to psychologist Rick Hanson, the primary way to cultivate resilience, compassion, happiness, gratitude, and confidence is “to have experiences that get encoded into lasting change in our neural structure or function.” In other words, if you want meaningful, lasting change in your life and you are seeking a way to open up to a wider band of color and choice, and if you are tired of settling for a life that keeps you small, you actually have to be somewhat outrageous. You have to take risks. And when we break the habit of playing small, we create possibilities for something new in our lives. Sometimes, when we take a leap, it leads to flying. But unless you put yourself out there and open to the possibilities that come with new experience, you’ll never really know for sure.
