Real Mindful: Liberating Masculinity With Edward M. Adams and Ed Frauenheim
Stephanie Domet: Hello, and welcome to Real Mindful. This is where we speak mindfully about things that matter.
Weāll meet here twice a month to introduce you to some of the teachers, thinkers, writers, and researchers who are engaged in the mindfulness movement. Youāll hear all kinds of conversations here about the science of mindfulness, the practice of mindfulnessāand the heart of it.
Iām Stephanie Domet. Iām the managing editor at Mindful magazine and Mindful.org. And this is Real Mindful.
Ed Adams: I remember going to the Philadelphia Zoo and watching a lion just pacing back and forth in this small cage and in how it evoked in me a sense of dread or anger or something. It’s like, “poor thing,” you know, it can’t go anywhere. There’s nothing of interest and it’s so limiting.
SD: Thatās Ed Adams. Heās a psychologist and the founder of Men Mentoring Men, or M3, a not for profit organization that provides peer coaching for men. Heās also the co-author of Reinventing Masculinity: The Liberating Power of Compassion and Connection, alongside Edward Frauenheim, a journalist, researcher, and speaker who often focuses on masculinity and workplace culture, as well as the intersection between the two. Coming up on Real Mindful today, a conversation with Ed Adams and Edward Frauenheim about their book, and the role mindfulness plays in liberating masculinity.
But first, Mindful senior editor Kylee Ross dropped by to talk about our annual meditation challenge, Mindful30. Hi, Kylee.
Kylee Ross: Hi, Stephanie.
SD: So, the Mindful30. This is the fifth year for this challenge. Can you talk a little bit about what’s involved and who’s involved this year?
KR: Definitely. So, every year we bring together eight teachers to guide us through 30 days of meditation, usually for the month of September. This year the theme is resilience, which was pretty interesting during the year that we’ve had. And interesting to go through what resilience means to all of these teachers. We have an amazing lineup. We have Tovi Scruggs-Hussein, Rashid Hughes, founding editor Barrie Boyce, Dr. SarĆ” King, Sharon Salzberg, Dr. Mark Bertin, Dr. Shalini Bahl-Milne, and Sara Ivanhoe.
SD: Wow, that’s a star-studded lineup.
KR: Yeah, it was just amazing to work with them.
SD: And so what kinds of practices are they serving in this 30 day excursion?
KR: So, over the 30 days, they are serving practices that are kind of bite-sized. So 10 to 15 minutes. You’re able to wake up and do this practice through the entire month. And the practices vary, you know, we have mindful movement, we have breath-awareness practices, all kinds of practices.
SD: And now we’re a little bit into the month of September, but I could start this any time and receive it every day for 30 days. Is that right?
KR: You can sign up any day throughout the month of September and start as if it’s day one.
SD: What do I need to be able to embark on this?
KR: You need very little. You need a few minutes, really. You can sit down wherever you are. You can download the practice, take it with you. So I would say I guess all you need is an internet connection.
SD: Amazing. I have that. Thanks so much for dropping by and talking about this with us.
KR: Thank you, Stephanie.
SD: Thatās Kylee Ross, a senior editor at Mindful and Mindful.org. You can find out more about Mindful30 at mindful.org, and weāll pop a direct link into the show notes for you.
Now, in the October issue of Mindful, Mindful coach Chris Peraro writes about a subject close to his heart: how mindfulness can allow men to show up as their full selves. He writes:
Once in a while, during a typical hectic day in our household, my wife will turn to me wearing a pretend-astonished smile and say: āChris, did you know that we have three boys?ā Although it seems like sheās just playfully stating the obvious, I hear her words like the ringing of a generations-old mission bell, a reminder of whatās most important to me. Each time, Iām struck by the responsibility of raising our boys in an era when masculinity, in the way that itās long been defined, is being called to expand.
If you havenāt had a chance to read Chrisās essay yet, I highly recommend it. Weāll link to it in our show notes or you can find it in the October issue of the magazine. Youāll also find, in both those places, an excerpt of a conversation our senior editor Amber Tucker had with the aforementioned EdsāEd Adams and Ed Frauenheim, also known as Ed A and Ed Fāabout their book Reinventing Masculinity.
Ed Aās dogs were in the room playing, so youāll hear the odd squeal of a squeaky toy in this recording.
Amber started by asking Ed Adams how they arrived at the idea of āconfinedā masculinity.
Adams: So the term toxic masculinity was just a common phrase that was being used in the culture and both Ed and I early on decided we really don’t like that term because it seems to implicate all men and shame men for being men. And the issue isn’t toxic masculinity. The issue was how our idea of what it means to be a man was so limited. And so that limitation, the word that describes that is confined to that image. I remember going to the Philadelphia Zoo and watching a lion just pacing back and forth in this small cage and how it evoked in me a sense of dread or anger or something. It’s like a poor thing, you know, it can’t go anywhere. There’s nothing there’s nothing of interest and itās so limiting. And so we focused on āconfinedā and mention ātoxicā I think once or twice in reference to popular culture in the book, because we wanted to stay away from that particular terminology. And so that’s that’s how it originated. And then we began to describe how itās confined. You know, first of all, what beliefs has the social research literature demonstrated to have typically confined men in the past and in the present?
Ed Frauenheim: One of the thing that I liked about the term āconfinedā is that it came out of Edās psychology understanding, because weāre borrowing the term from a psychologist named Morita who talked about the āconfined selfā and how that tends to be an unhealthy self, tends to be self-absorbed. The alternative was an āextended self.ā We didnāt like the idea of extended masculinity, which had kind of some kind of x-rated characteristics [laughs], but we landed on this āliberatingā term as a way to say, āletās break out of that confinement.ā Itās sort of at the root of what can be toxic behaviors. You could say that when men are in a cage, like Ed talked about, they are in trouble. A lot of unhealthy behaviors or attitudes develop. It also captures this way in which we think weāre so separate from each other in Western culture, especially I think this idea that we have to be a āself-made man,ā like an island or a rock. So, thereās a lot about the term that really grabbed us once we kind of started playing around with it. We wanted to sort of see what was the root of it. And how can we describe this masculinity problem in a more neutral way that could be accessible and appreciated by people, especially men?
Amber Tucker: Unlike ātoxic masculinity,ā it seems that āconfined masculinityā avoids blaming individual men for the ways that theyāve been socialized to be successful in society.
Adams: The idea of confined also allows us to appreciate the traditional roles that men have played, like protector and provider. Those roles have enormous value, but they have been too confined, too limiting. Most men perceive āprotectingā as something like āIāll protect my family, I have a 357 Magnum right next to the bed, and god forbid somebody enters this house.ā Then, to provide is typically looked at as having an economic fluidness. And thereās enormous value in that. But providing is also providing emotional warmth, providing availability, being present with people you love and taking care of your community and the earth. Protecting has something to do with being able to protect yourself and your immediate family from emotional distress or traumas. So our goal was to take those traditional roles and ask, āwhy are they being perceived in a way thatās so narrow?ā
AT: In the book, you talk about not only those traditional male roles, but also some emotional qualities. Like where you talk about compassion, and the idea that there are more āfeminineā ways and more āmasculineā ways to express compassion, but theyāre both compassion.
Adams: Compassion requires enormous guts and courage, because it forces you to actually witness and experience the suffering within yourself and others. I am old enough to have lived through the Vietnam era, and every night on TV, you would see the reporters were on the front lines and you saw Vietnamese as well as American soldiers getting shot or lying there bleeding, and you would hear the bombs and so on. This evoked a great deal of compassion in the American public, who witnessed it, which helped end that war. But if you look at something like the war in Afghanistan or Iraq, what we were showing were images of computer games with a target in focus. And then youād see a puff and you didnāt see the people who were crying and the people who were bleeding. It created an emotional distance from the suffering. And that was intentional because the government learned from the Vietnam War that if you show whatās actually going on, itās going to change the complexion of the publicās opinion. Being compassionate is a truly courageous act, because itās no longer avoiding reality.
Frauenheim: Compassion is a human trait, itās a manās birthright. Itās part of being primates. Itās really wired into us, and weāre calling on men to identify it and proudly talk about it, explicitly. From my perspective of studying the workplace, compassion is needed to be emotionally intelligent, emotionally vulnerable, to create psychological safety, to succeed at work today. And it helps men live a full life, a bigger life, when we can see that compassion is ours as human beings.
AT: Iām curious how you see these new, more liberated masculine traits kind of helping to transform workplaces and make them more equitable, more sustainable.
Frauenheim: I think when men are willing to be mindful, when theyāre willing to pause and be a bit more about presence as opposed to action, that builds self-awarenessāand that self-awareness is vital today to recognize privilege and the ways in which the workplace has not been equitable for all employees. It helps us start realizing, well, maybe we need to take some steps to distribute power more equitably, to make sure people can achieve promotions in fair ways, and to really look at bias. So thatās a piece of it. And so is what we were just talking about, the willingness to be compassionate and vulnerable and emotionally intelligent. Because thatās what weāre realizing workplaces need to be successful, as proven in data from Amy Edmondsonās work at Harvard on emotional and psychological safety.
The COVID pandemic has proven it dramatically more powerfully with everyone realize that itās OK not to be OK! Weāre all kind of wrestling with the emotional well-being when weāre stuck in our houses for a month, for a year, practically. I credit Edās wife Marilee Adams who helped us use this phrase, āSoft skills are success skills today.ā And these soft skills are really what this new liberating masculinity is incorporating into the male ethos. Things like compassion, connectivity, vulnerability, mindfulness, really letting yourself become more mindful, aware of what youāre feeling and who you are in the world.
AT: It seems to me that men in particular may be having certain kinds of struggles with staying at home and the sense of losing control that weāve all had to face and process.
Adams: The impact of COVID and all of its implications have been relatively gender free. Both sides are suffering, you know? Both are making compromises. Both are improvising in ways that we havenāt had to improvise before. Weāre parenting or being in relationship with each other in ways that we havenāt had to before.
Frauenheim: To make one little caveat: Something Iāve seen from the workplace is that there have been more burdens put on women as caregivers during this time. Thereās a lot more women who have left the workplace than men, for example.
Adams: One of the things that I noticed clinically is that with people being in such close proximity to each other for such extended periods of time, itās putting a strain on emotional skills. So those who are reasonably well equipped to have good, deep conversations once in a while, or to face life issues or to talk about what they need or wantātheyāre faring better than those who are with each other and either afraid to talk about those things, or get angry when they talk about those things or feel blamed or feel uncomfortable in that territory. Generally speaking, women have had more tolerance for emotional talk and emotional interaction. Itās not that men are incapable of that. Itās just that they havenāt learned it before. In the book we talk a lot about Men Mentoring Men (or M3), which clearly demonstrates that men are hungry and eager for and quite capable of going very deep and emotional, being very vulnerable with each other. But they have to learn it. Men typically havenāt had that experience within their families.
The poet Robert Bly said, āWhen a group of men get together, can some form of violence be far behind?ā Not just the potential for physical violence, but for shaming or being put down and so on. But when men find themselves in a safe environment and become convinced that itās safe, boy, they can really let it rip! They want to go there. Theyāre capable of that. Itās not like thereās some kind of brain matter thatās missing. Itās just the opportunities have been missing.
AT: In terms of growing more comfortable with emotions and vulnerability, what kinds of mindful mindfulness practices or teachers have you found are most helpful in the context of liberating masculinity?
Frauenheim: For me, yoga has been a major one for me that has included a mindfulness and a spirituality element, as well as a meditation practice I learned from a psychiatrist I saw for a time about anxiety issues, and thatās been very helpful to me. I would say that the workplace is becoming a more mindful place, especially here in this pandemic, where weāre now leaders and organizations and everyday employees are realizing we need to do things like check-ins and see how weāre doing, being mindful of each other and using things like breathing exercises and mini meditations to start meetings. Iām hopeful that we are all realizing the power of mindfulness to really build better workplaces, better personal satisfaction, and ultimately a better world.
Adams: I deeply appreciate the work of Ellen Langer. Most people associate mindfulness with meditation, and thatās not untrue, but her way of looking at things mindfulness is paying attention to things that are different or unique, or paying attention to be other-than-mindless! She talks a lot about mindlessness and going through life that way.
Paying attention has practical application in everyday life, not just in meditation. I gave blood about two weeks ago. I was watching the way they were interacting with me and the other people donating. The woman stabbed me twice, couldnāt get into a vein, and then she put something in her computer and said to me, āYouāre done.ā I said, āIām waiting to give blood.ā She said, āI put the wrong code in the computer,ā and that was the only explanation I got. So I was a little ticked off. It made me think about the need to validate people who are acting compassionately, to recognize that what theyāre doing is making a contribution.
Frauenheim: What I love about these examples is the connection between mindfulness and awareness of how your behavior affects others, how youāre showing up in the world. We really are calling for men to develop a much grander global consciousness that, I think, is about our role here. Weāre not the most important person in the room, which we often think we are. And I think mindfulness can help us get to that situational self-awareness.
Adams: One of my art mentors, his name is Alok Hsu Kwang-han, heās a Zen Buddhist artist. I took from him these four things that I preach, in one way or another, with the people I treat: to be present, to be available, to be playful, and to be not-knowing. I just love those four things. In times of stress, times of COVID, how can we become more present, more available, more playful? Not-knowing means more of an open mindānot prejudging, being mindful rather than mindless.
AT: I really liked where you talked about the five Cās: curiosity, courage, compassion, connection, and commitment. Weāve touched on compassion a little bit. What do the other Cās have to do with reinventing masculinity?
Frauenheim: Itās interesting, we did those five Cās and Iāve started doing some workshops about reinventing masculinity, at work in particular, and Iāve already added a sixth C, which is contemplation. Thatās explicitly about mindfulness. We talked about, especially under Commitment, that this is part of how youāre going to make progress and stick with it: This journey toward liberating masculinity is through a contemplative practice. And I feel really strongly, and I think Ed does, too, that this is a really important part of how men are going to advance, to make space. That might be through journaling, meditation, yoga, other kinds of spiritual practices or prayer. For men, weāve been so much about doing and achieving, but just being and paying attention to the journey is something that we have not acknowledged enough. I think calling that out, whether itās the commitment āCā or adding one, is really important. And weāre seeing more and more men embrace these things, which Iām really hopeful about.
Adams: The curiosity āCā has something to do with the not-knowing I was talking about before. Itās like wondering. āI wonder what youāre thinking right now. And I wonder what Edās thinking right now. I wonder I wonder what my wife may need from me a little bit later.ā To wonder is a state of mind that keeps you emotionally intelligent. Itās the theory of mind idea that you stay curious about whoās showing up right now. Like, what man is needed right now? The tender me, the forceful me, the playful meāwhoās needed? And that requires the curiosity part.
To act on this takes the courage, often to step out of oneās more mindless role of just rote behavior, and to have the courage to deliver whatās needed, from the man who is needed in that moment. I dream of the day when qualities of compassion are seen as manly. With the notion of connection, what weāre trying to do is expand from compassion. Maybe the better term is interconnected: how vitally reliant we are upon each other. Then, the last one being commitment to changeāto use these awarenesses, this mindfulness, to make a commitment to act with curiosity, courage, compassion, and connection, in a variety of different ways, wherever we find ourselves.
Frauenheim: I love what you said about the interconnectedness, Ed, and that just sparked for me how we talk in the book about seeing ourselves as connected to the earth. For thousands of years, weāve really seen ourselves as masters of the earth or controllers of the earth. I think thereās a real opportunity for mindfulness practices that include natural settings or reflecting on nature, like how forest bathing is taking off during the pandemic. This idea of really paying attention to the plants living around us, the trees. My son wants to study redwood trees. There is a real opportunity, I think, in our growing appreciation of our connection to nature, not just our separateness from it, but our interdependence, interconnection, and the need to expand our consciousness by reflecting that weāre part of this system. Weāre not the boss of it, or about trying to wrestle it to the ground. Weāre connected to the ground.
AT: Weāve talked a little bit about menās role in the workplace already. What are some ways that men can welcome change into their lives with their families?
Adams: You know, I had a session this morning with a man who was a military officer and he has five children, one of whom is severely disabled, and he had that child very early in his life, so he stepped right from being a son to being a responsible father of a disabled child. And so he found a way to cope with that by being pretty linearāWeāve got to do this, weāve got to do this, weāve got to do thisāand kept his kids and his wife sort of in a regiment. He came to therapy having read the book and he said, āwhat Iām doing isnāt working for me.ā Heās really having the courage to make dramatic changes.
For example, he would have a discussion with his wife about something important, but heād do it in his office where he was behind his desk and she was in front of his desk, more like a business meeting. Once he and I had talked, this man and his wife needed to deal with some issue. And he said, I invited my wife. When I sat in front of my desk, I put a chair so that I could face her. And he took her hand, and he assured her that what weāre about to talk about is in no way about his unwavering love for her. He was using that language. She was blown away, and so they had this conversation. Then she said, āwhatās that thing on your wrist?ā He said, āI put this here, and Iām never going to take it off, because every time you look at it, I want you to know how much I love you. And every time I look at it, I want to remember how much I love you and owe to you.ā To this day when we have sessions, I keep looking to make sure he has it on, and he always does. And with his children, he said to me this morning, āI sat my two daughters down and I told them that Iām no longer going to be tracking their progress as if itās like a flight, but Iām going to pay a lot of attention to what you guys need and want and what youāre experiencing.ā So heās shifting from being the director to being an affectionate, warm, human being. Heās thrilled with himself, because itās paying off enormously. One thing he said is that āI think itās changing from, āoh, God, Dadās homeā to āoh, good, Dadās home.āā
Frauenheim: I just experienced this in my parenting the other dayāI was picking my daughter up from her soccer tryouts and it was unclear exactly where they were trying out, I had I never parked the soccer field before, so I wandered out of the soccer field trying to see my daughter Skyla. And she was livid at me, because I was like the embarrassing dad who didnāt know where to pick her up. Sheās 16. And sheās like, āI hate you so much for doing this. Why canāt you be like the other dads?ā And so I was triggered by that, you know? Iām like, how can you get mad at me?! Iām here picking you up to safely guide you home! But this is part of my practice of recognizing that anger rising in me, and taking a breath and kind of stepping away. The two of us walked kind of separately, the equivalent of several blocks back to our car, and I think I was able to make space for her feelings and be more empathetic. Iām not sure I would have done that a couple of years ago, before we wrote this book, to really be aware and use those practices of reflection and pausing, noticing emotional reactions, and then making space for a more productive response. And not just productive, but caring and loving.
SD: Mindful senior editor Amber Tucker in conversation with Ed Frauenheim and Ed Adams, authors of Reinventing Masculinity.
What a conversation. So much to think about in what the Eds are saying. We would love to hear your thoughts on all of this. You can write to us at [email protected].
Meantime, if you enjoyed this episode of Real Mindful, perhaps you would leave us a review? You can find us on Spotify, iTunes, Google Podcasts or, well, wherever youāre listening from. Your review helps other listeners decide whether Real Mindful is right for them.
If youāre looking for a way to work with your own feelings and reactions to confined masculinityāor anything else that may be an issue in your own life, you might enjoy our weekly practice podcast, 12 Minute Meditation. Each week, we offer a new guided practice, backed by neuroscientific research that reveals that twelve minutes of meditation a day can be enough to yield benefits like increased focus, clarity, calm, and compassion. You can find 12 Minute Meditation at Mindful.org and wherever fine podcasts are foundātry it out and let us know what you thought.
Weāll return with another episode of Real Mindful in two weeks. Till then, keep it playful, friend.
Show Notes
Find more of Edward M. Adams and Ed Frauenheim here:
Reinventing Masculinity: The Liberating Power of Compassion and Connection
In this episode:
Sign up for the Mindful30 Meditation Challenge
āGentle Men: The Healing Power of Vulnerabilityā by Chris Peraro
How Mindfulness Helps to Liberate Masculinity
The Morita School of Japanese Psychology
Find more from Mindful on our practice podcast, 12 Minute Meditation and let us know what you thought by emailing [email protected].
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